| For many children, behavior problems are not | | | | division in how the parents deal with the child-that |
| universal; they're targeted at specific family members: | | | | the parents are not in alliance. They get two |
| father, mother, the step-parent, the fiancé, a | | | | different messages from the parents, and they get |
| sister or brother. The following two case studies | | | | power by picking on the weaker of the two parents, |
| reveal how normally charming and obedient children | | | | confronting the parent who challenges their power |
| can become defiant, disrespectful or even abusive | | | | base or lashing out at the parent they deem is |
| with one person in the family. James Lehman | | | | "unfair." Children who target parents or siblings for |
| examines why this happens and what parents can do | | | | acting out often don't have high self-esteem. They |
| about it. | | | | are afraid to feel certain things or be confronted with |
| Case study #1: When Lisa remarried, she was | | | | certain situations. So they try to control people by |
| confident that her three kids would grow to love | | | | making one of the parents or a sibling a victim. |
| David as much as she did. Her oldest daughter, | | | | It's a natural reaction for parents to become divided |
| Danielle (16), had never really warmed up to David, | | | | when this targeted behavior is going on in the family. |
| but she thought she'd come around. Danielle had | | | | Parents become angry at the child and at each other. |
| always been a sweet and pretty resilient kid. Lisa | | | | It's much easier for parents to argue with each other |
| was wrong. Several weeks after the wedding, | | | | about the child's behavior than it is to demand |
| Danielle's behavior toward David became extremely | | | | changes from the child. But arguing with each other is |
| hostile. If he so much as tried to assert himself in a | | | | exactly what parents should avoid doing. Parents |
| parenting role, Danielle would blow up. After one epic | | | | have to join together and decide what they're going |
| argument involving curfew, she stopped speaking to | | | | to do-together-when the child is abusive. Whether |
| David altogether-and hasn't uttered a word to him in | | | | both parents witness it or not, both parents have to |
| the last two years. Danielle will speak to everyone in | | | | say, "There's no excuse for abuse." Say this directly, |
| the family, except David, who remains the object of | | | | clearly and firmly to the child who is acting out. Don't |
| her unending wrath. | | | | look to blame the other kids in the family. Don't |
| Case study #2: People who know Brian, Susan and | | | | blame each other. Put the responsibility for the |
| their four children always tell them they look like "the | | | | behavior back on the child who is acting out. |
| perfect family" and compliment them on how polite | | | | Whether you are parenting the child as parents, step |
| their children are. But inside their home, they are far | | | | parents or foster parents, the most important word |
| from perfect. Their 15-year-old son Jacob is a tyrant, | | | | to remember is "We." In Danielle's case, when she |
| particularly toward his mother and his youngest | | | | rejects her stepfather, she is rejecting is the |
| brother. He uses intimidating language with Susan and | | | | authority figure that he represents. Lisa shouldn't try |
| is physically abusive with six-year-old Tyler. "Jacob is | | | | to shoulder the burden of this conflict alone, and |
| all smiles when we're in public," says Susan. "But when | | | | David should neither withdraw from the parenting role |
| we come home, he turns into this whole different | | | | to avoid conflict nor incite it by getting into shouting |
| kid." | | | | matches with Danielle. Lisa and David need to stand |
| Kids recognize and deal with people in different ways | | | | together and be very clear with Danielle, saying, "We |
| almost from birth. As infants, they respond | | | | are both your parents. And if you act in a |
| differently to their mother, a caregiver or a family | | | | disrespectful way with either one of us, you will be |
| friend. This continues into childhood and adolescence. | | | | held equally accountable." |
| They recognize the differences in adults, and those | | | | The case of Jacob reminds me of my days working |
| differences often fall into two categories. Which | | | | in youth detention centers. One day I remember |
| adults have power and which adults don't have | | | | asking a kid, "Do you curse at the staff in here?" |
| power? Which adults can you manipulate with bad | | | | And he said no. I asked him, "Why not? You curse at |
| behavior and which adults can you not manipulate? | | | | your mother." Kids know who has the authority and |
| As kids grow up, they recognize which adults cannot | | | | who doesn't. The kid in the detention center knew |
| follow through on consequences, which ones accept | | | | the staff members had authority and wouldn't put up |
| their excuses for inappropriate behavior and which | | | | with being cursed at. His mom didn't have authority |
| ones buy them things to win their allegiance. They | | | | over him, so he cursed her. What Brian and Susan |
| learn which adult is always making excuses for them | | | | need to realize is that Jacob understands if he |
| and which one sets limits. | | | | disrespects people outside the home, the |
| When a child targets one person when he acts out, | | | | consequences will be clear, swift and uncomfortable. |
| it's an indication that he has learned he can feel | | | | So when he disrespects his mother or his little |
| powerful at the expense of that person, whether it's | | | | brother, the consequences should also be clear, swift |
| a parent, a step parent or a sibling. On the surface, | | | | and uncomfortable. They need to observe what is |
| you won't see the kid getting anything out of this | | | | different and what works about his behavioral |
| targeted behavior. It's not like he gets out of a | | | | responses outside the home and apply those things |
| consequence by calling his mother abusive names. He | | | | to their home. |
| does it because he feels like a zero, and when he | | | | The child who bullies specific people in the home has |
| can bully his mother, he feels powerful. He feels | | | | to learn the skills it takes to feel powerful and |
| weak and shaky about himself and lacks | | | | competent in more age appropriate ways. Parents |
| self-confidence. When he puts her down, his | | | | should address two things: |
| self-confidence increases. It's a simple, basic | | | | They need to help the child develop specific social |
| behavioral dynamic. | | | | skills in the areas of conflict resolution, negotiation |
| To understand what kids get out of this, imagine you | | | | and compromise. Parents have to work together to |
| have a boss that you don't like. Let's say that boss is | | | | set clear and powerful limits to manage the behavior, |
| constantly harassing you. How often do you dream | | | | always remembering to be united and use the word |
| about telling him off? You imagine what it would be | | | | "we." The end result is that the child learns more skills |
| like to tell him off and think about how great you'll | | | | to manage his feelings and not to abuse one person |
| feel. It probably will feel great for fifteen seconds, | | | | or take things out on them. He learns to manage |
| until you figure out how you're going to find another | | | | those feelings of low self-esteem, powerlessness, |
| job. It's the same thing for these kids. They are | | | | confusion and helplessness himself. When parents |
| telling off their boss, and they get the same sense | | | | teach these skills and kids learn them, both sides end |
| of gratification out of it. To make it even better, | | | | up happier. Even though the child doesn't get his way |
| they get to tell their boss off every day. In Danielle's | | | | as often and even though the parent has to work at |
| case, she has been telling off the boss for two | | | | it a bit, they both feel happier because they know |
| years. | | | | things are working in the family. |
| When children target a parent with their inappropriate | | | | Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents. |
| behavior, they have most likely seen that there is a | | | | |