| For many children, behavior problems are
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| | how the parents deal with the child-that
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| not universal; they're targeted at
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| | the parents are not in alliance. They get
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| specific family members: father, mother,
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| | two different messages from the parents,
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| the step-parent, the fiancé, a sister or
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| | and they get power by picking on the
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| brother. The following two case studies
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| | weaker of the two parents, confronting
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| reveal how normally charming and obedient
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| | the parent who challenges their power
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| children can become defiant,
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| | base or lashing out at the parent they
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| disrespectful or even abusive with one
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| | deem is "unfair." Children who target
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| person in the family. James Lehman
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| | parents or siblings for acting out often
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| examines why this happens and what
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| | don't have high self-esteem. They are
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| parents can do about it.
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| | afraid to feel certain things or be
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| Case study #1: When Lisa remarried, she
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| | confronted with certain situations. So
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| was confident that her three kids would
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| | they try to control people by making one
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| grow to love David as much as she did.
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| | of the parents or a sibling a victim.
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| Her oldest daughter, Danielle (16), had
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| | It's a natural reaction for parents to
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| never really warmed up to David, but she
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| | become divided when this targeted
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| thought she'd come around. Danielle had
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| | behavior is going on in the family.
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| always been a sweet and pretty resilient
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| | Parents become angry at the child and at
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| kid. Lisa was wrong. Several weeks after
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| | each other. It's much easier for parents
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| the wedding, Danielle's behavior toward
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| | to argue with each other about the
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| David became extremely hostile. If he so
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| | child's behavior than it is to demand
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| much as tried to assert himself in a
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| | changes from the child. But arguing with
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| parenting role, Danielle would blow up.
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| | each other is exactly what parents should
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| After one epic argument involving curfew,
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| | avoid doing. Parents have to join
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| she stopped speaking to David
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| | together and decide what they're going to
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| altogether-and hasn't uttered a word to
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| | do-together-when the child is abusive.
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| him in the last two years. Danielle will
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| | Whether both parents witness it or not,
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| speak to everyone in the family, except
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| | both parents have to say, "There's no
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| David, who remains the object of her
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| | excuse for abuse." Say this directly,
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| unending wrath.
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| | clearly and firmly to the child who is
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| Case study #2: People who know Brian,
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| | acting out. Don't look to blame the other
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| Susan and their four children always tell
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| | kids in the family. Don't blame each
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| them they look like "the perfect family"
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| | other. Put the responsibility for the
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| and compliment them on how polite their
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| | behavior back on the child who is acting
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| children are. But inside their home, they
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| | out.
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| are far from perfect. Their 15-year-old
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| | Whether you are parenting the child as
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| son Jacob is a tyrant, particularly
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| | parents, step parents or foster parents,
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| toward his mother and his youngest
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| | the most important word to remember is
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| brother. He uses intimidating language
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| | "We." In Danielle's case, when she
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| with Susan and is physically abusive with
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| | rejects her stepfather, she is rejecting
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| six-year-old Tyler. "Jacob is all smiles
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| | is the authority figure that he
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| when we're in public," says Susan. "But
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| | represents. Lisa shouldn't try to
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| when we come home, he turns into this
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| | shoulder the burden of this conflict
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| whole different kid."
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| | alone, and David should neither withdraw
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| Kids recognize and deal with people in
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| | from the parenting role to avoid conflict
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| different ways almost from birth. As
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| | nor incite it by getting into shouting
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| infants, they respond differently to
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| | matches with Danielle. Lisa and David
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| their mother, a caregiver or a family
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| | need to stand together and be very clear
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| friend. This continues into childhood and
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| | with Danielle, saying, "We are both your
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| adolescence. They recognize the
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| | parents. And if you act in a
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| differences in adults, and those
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| | disrespectful way with either one of us,
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| differences often fall into two
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| | you will be held equally accountable."
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| categories. Which adults have power and
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| | The case of Jacob reminds me of my days
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| which adults don't have power? Which
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| | working in youth detention centers. One
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| adults can you manipulate with bad
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| | day I remember asking a kid, "Do you
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| behavior and which adults can you not
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| | curse at the staff in here?" And he said
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| manipulate? As kids grow up, they
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| | no. I asked him, "Why not? You curse at
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| recognize which adults cannot follow
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| | your mother." Kids know who has the
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| through on consequences, which ones
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| | authority and who doesn't. The kid in the
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| accept their excuses for inappropriate
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| | detention center knew the staff members
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| behavior and which ones buy them things
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| | had authority and wouldn't put up with
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| to win their allegiance. They learn which
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| | being cursed at. His mom didn't have
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| adult is always making excuses for them
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| | authority over him, so he cursed her.
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| and which one sets limits.
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| | What Brian and Susan need to realize is
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| When a child targets one person when he
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| | that Jacob understands if he disrespects
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| acts out, it's an indication that he has
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| | people outside the home, the consequences
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| learned he can feel powerful at the
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| | will be clear, swift and uncomfortable.
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| expense of that person, whether it's a
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| | So when he disrespects his mother or his
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| parent, a step parent or a sibling. On
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| | little brother, the consequences should
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| the surface, you won't see the kid
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| | also be clear, swift and uncomfortable.
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| getting anything out of this targeted
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| | They need to observe what is different
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| behavior. It's not like he gets out of a
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| | and what works about his behavioral
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| consequence by calling his mother abusive
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| | responses outside the home and apply
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| names. He does it because he feels like a
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| | those things to their home.
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| zero, and when he can bully his mother,
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| | The child who bullies specific people in
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| he feels powerful. He feels weak and
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| | the home has to learn the skills it takes
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| shaky about himself and lacks
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| | to feel powerful and competent in more
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| self-confidence. When he puts her down,
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| | age appropriate ways. Parents should
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| his self-confidence increases. It's a
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| | address two things:
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| simple, basic behavioral dynamic.
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| | They need to help the child develop
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| To understand what kids get out of this,
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| | specific social skills in the areas of
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| imagine you have a boss that you don't
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| | conflict resolution, negotiation and
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| like. Let's say that boss is constantly
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| | compromise. Parents have to work together
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| harassing you. How often do you dream
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| | to set clear and powerful limits to
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| about telling him off? You imagine what
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| | manage the behavior, always remembering
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| it would be like to tell him off and
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| | to be united and use the word "we." The
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| think about how great you'll feel. It
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| | end result is that the child learns more
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| probably will feel great for fifteen
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| | skills to manage his feelings and not to
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| seconds, until you figure out how you're
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| | abuse one person or take things out on
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| going to find another job. It's the same
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| | them. He learns to manage those feelings
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| thing for these kids. They are telling
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| | of low self-esteem, powerlessness,
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| off their boss, and they get the same
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| | confusion and helplessness himself. When
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| sense of gratification out of it. To make
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| | parents teach these skills and kids learn
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| it even better, they get to tell their
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| | them, both sides end up happier. Even
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| boss off every day. In Danielle's case,
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| | though the child doesn't get his way as
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| she has been telling off the boss for two
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| | often and even though the parent has to
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| years.
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| | work at it a bit, they both feel happier
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| When children target a parent with their
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| | because they know things are working in
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| inappropriate behavior, they have most
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| | the family.
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| likely seen that there is a division in
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| | Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents.
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