Is he "the loser", or is he "Dad"?

I was at a 4-year-old's birthday party when Ihaving both parents or the dire consequences of
overheard a young mother. "We call him 'the loser',removing them from one fit parent, (most divorced
she said, "but not around Bobby". I cringed. I knewparents are fit)."
that Bobby was probably aware that the significantThe reality of estrangement
adults in his life disrespected this man, and that theRight before I overheard that comment about the
man was probably his father. When I hear things like'loser' in the family, I had been chatting with the
that I worry about children growing up today. Onebirthday child's grandmother. She was talking about
million children in America are involved in a newher family and one story grabbed my attention. A
divorce annually, as of 1997, according tomale relative had gone through a painful divorce. Not
divorcemagazine.com, and The Children's Fund reportsonly had his ex-wife gotten sole custody of their
that one in three American children is born todaughter, she moved her far away, and then
unmarried parents (2004 Key Facts About Americanproceeded to turn the child against him. "Parental
Children).alienation syndrome." I said, "That's what some
E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly, authors of Forpeople call it." As she described the heartbreak this
Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, foundman was experiencing all I could do was nod my
that "twenty years after the divorce less thanhead in understanding and think about the dozens of
one-third of boys and one-quarter of girls reportingmen I have met over the last 3 years who share his
having close relationships with their nonresidentpain.
fathers." And the National Fatherhood InitiativeSome experts say that Parental Alienation Syndrome
reports "About 40 percent of children in(PAS) isn't real. After encouraging the many fathers I
father-absent homes have not seen their father at allknow who have fought for years to try to keep
during the past year." What kind of role models aretheir children from being estranged, and after trying
we offering our children? With divorced andto console the many who have lost the fight, no one
unmarried fathers currently having the undeservedcan convince me that the estrangement of
reputation of "deadbeats", how can little boys grownoncustodial parents and children doesn't exist, no
up proud to be male?matter what you call it. This heartache doesn't just
At one time that young mother could have been me.happen to fathers, it happens to noncustodial
I have made many disparaging comments about mymothers too. Rebecca Mackey, a remarried
ex-husbands, and I felt completely justified in doing27-year-old noncustodial mother to one said it
so. All three of the men had let me down in one wayhappened to her. She said, "Even when one parent
or another, and it made sense to place blame when Iloses custody, they are still punished by the
spoke about my divorces. They weren't my fault;brainwashing and psychological games that go on in
after all, they were always my ex-husbands' fault.the custodial household. They ultimately lose their
That's what I liked to say at least. That's what Ichild...body and mind."
needed to believe.Fathers as caregivers
I have experienced a phenomenon within my ownOpponents of joint physical custody say that men
family that I have now learned is common, tragic,don't do the child rearing before the separation, so
and very often avoidable. I'm talking about thethey shouldn't have equal custody afterwards. But
phenomenon of the fatherless child. Three of myaccording to The Motherhood Study (Institute for
children are in that 40 percent, the kids who neverAmerican Values, 2005), "[M]any married mothers
see their dads. They had fathers who it seemed,strongly stated they would not wish for more
simply walked out of their lives. The thing to note isinvolvement on the part of their children's father
that of the four men, it was the three who Ibecause he already is as involved in their care as
divorced, the three who had to deal with the familyanyone can be. In one mother's words, her husband
court system and the state child support'does all the things I do with them.' Another mother
enforcement who went missing, not the man whodescribed her husband as 'very involved, although he
fathered a child with me when we were bothdoes very different things than I do.' 'We both love
unmarried, who wrote a parenting plan with methe kids and we both work to teach them what
without involving the court system. I've successfullythey need to know.' These and other mothers
co-parented with that man for 18 years.expressed a deep appreciation for what their
So what happened to the men I married andspouses bring to their lives and to the lives of their
divorced? Why were they the ones who walked? Itchildren, and several mothers noted how much more
wasn't like they were never in their children's lives.involved these fathers are in the children's daily lives
These were the men who attended childbirth classesthan the generations of fathers before them."
with me, who walked the floor, changed diapers, andBill says, "There have been four instances where I
played with our babies. We were thrilled to havehave put my career on hold to spend time with my
children together and co-parented successfully whilekids. I had hoped to be able to do that when they
we were married. What exactly had happened duringreached high school, do consulting or teaching so that
the divorce? Everything changed. The relationshipsI could take a summer off with the kids and travel,
between my children and their fathers disintegrated.(Europe, Central America, Asia). That can't happen
At the time, all I knew was that I had divorced mennow because I have to keep earning money at my
who had deserved it, as far as I was concerned, andcurrent rate to be able to pay the child support that
they were proving exactly how bad they were byhas been assessed. The system values me more for
abandoning their children. My only choice, as I saw itthe money I earn than for what I teach my kids
then, was to be the best single mom I could be; towhen I'm with them."
fill in the gaps, to play both parental roles, to makeOne thing the opponents of joint custody say is that
sure as best I could that my kids felt loved andmothers have a special skill; a special ability to love
wanted. I chose a career that allowed me to workand care for children, that they're much more
from home. I supported my family and provided myattached to children then fathers. Well, according The
children the benefits of a stay-at-home mother.Motherhood Study, most mothers do think that,
But while I was enjoying close relationships with my"Mothers see their contribution to the care of their
children I also knew they were missing something. Ichildren not only as extremely important, but also so
resented my ex-husbands for rejecting them, and forunique that no one else can replace it. Nearly 93% of
any disadvantages the experienced by not havingour respondents agreed with that statement, with
two parents in their lives. Those kids deservednearly 83% saying they 'strongly' agree." I wonder if
another cheerleader on their team. So if the name ofthey're aware that 87 per cent of fathers surveyed
one of my ex-husbands came up in conversation Iin 1994 said they agreed or strongly agreed that
did not hesitate to use a term like "the loser."'watching children grow up is life's greatest joy,'
I have since learned what it is like for a father to goaccording to Fatherhood: Research, interventions and
through the family court system and how it canpolicies by Peters, Peterson.
negatively impact the relationship with his child. I'veThey must not have met fathers like Jeffrey, who
also learned that any parent is vulnerable to injusticedescribed his time with Deonna to me like this, "Even
and any parent could lose contact with their childthough my little darling is getting quite heavy now, I
after going through the current family court system.still carry her 1.2 miles around the neighborhood each
What I learned is shocking.time I'm parenting her. This 'bonding time' is so special
A newly separated or unmarried father might thinkto me and I refuse to use a stroller as I wish to hold
that he is doing everything by the book; he mighther up close to my face so we can walk along and
visit or care for his child regularly, or as often as the'converse' and 'look at all the pretties', (trees, flowers,
mother will allow, he might think he should wait untilother walkers, airplanes, etc.) I think she likes it
the court hearing to start paying child support sincebecause daddy can still hold her up high for extended
no amount has been set, especially if the mother ofperiods of time - something she doesn't get too
his child has applied for welfare, because paying hermuch these days at 21.5 months of age." Then he
directly isn't allowed. He might go into court expectingadded, "I recall walking this very same trek around
to come out with a fair joint physical custody order,where I live every night when I was prevented from
especially if he has been providing much of his child'sbeing with my baby, balling my head off and praying
daily care. He might expect that any child supportfor divine intervention."
order that may be made against him would start thatAnd if they doubt that fathers can love children as
day. Many good, fit, responsible, loving, dedicatedmuch as mothers do, they have obviously never met
fathers, and some mothers, are completelyBill Numerick, a 26-year-old father who is in love with
overwhelmed by what happens next.a son he's never even met. His ex-girlfriend married
As Jeffery Shipman, 44, a New York father toanother man before she gave birth to their son just
21-month-old Deonna, told me, "It is, simply put, likeover two years ago, and due to the current laws in
being raped. You're raped financially, emotionally, andMichigan her husband was automatically named as the
in terms of your health deteriorating - physically asfather. Bill has been fighting to be a father to his son
well. You walk out of the courtroom perplexed andever since. Bill is rightfully proud to be part of shaping
bewildered; shaking your head in disbelief whilea new bill, (Senate bill 0436), that will prevent this
thinkingfrom happening to any other father in Michigan. He
"This can't be happening!" But it is. It is real life. It istold me, "One thing I dread to imagine is Caleb
cruel. I recall walking out of family court one year agothinking that I don't love him and that I just walked
a broken, broken man."away without a second thought. To me that is one
The myth of deadbeat dadsof the most frightening things I can imagine. As close
I came across a 2003 study from the Urban Instituteas I am to my father I couldn't fathom the
on uncollected child support in California. In Examiningemptiness I would feel had we been kept apart while
Child Support Arrears in California - the CollectibilityI was growing up." You can get updates on Bill and
Study, I learned that common practices, like notCaleb on Bill's web site
making sure the father was served a summons forShared parenting as a solution
his court date, setting default orders if he didn't showIn 1987 Dr. Joan Kelly wrote, "The primary negative
up, charging interest, and backdating child supportaspect of divorce reported by children in numerous
orders were contributing to the fatherless childstudies was loss of contact with a parent." In
epidemic. I learned that these, combined with theSurviving the Breakup, Kelly and Judith Wallerstein
practice of judges "assuming" income was leavingwrote, "The emotional stability of children of divorced
some low-income fathers with child support orders "4parents is directly related to the quality of their
times higher than it should be," and in some cases,continuing relationships with both of their parents. We
"twice as high as the debtor's net monthly income."have repeatedly described the dissatisfaction of so
According to the Urban Institute analysis,many youngsters who felt they were not seeing
"Three-quarters of California's arrears result fromtheir fathers often enough, If custody and visiting
policies and practices that set and keep child supportissues are to be within the realm of the 'best interest
orders at levels that exceed noncustodial parents'of the child', then such widespread discontent must
ability to pay child support."be taken very seriously."
Many fathers walk out of the courtroom in shock,California resident Kelly Bray, 48, is dad to two little
owing thousands of dollars in arrears due toboys. He and his wife have been separated for five
backdating and interest, putting them immediately atyears and are finalizing their divorce with the help of
risk of imprisonment and losing their professional anda paralegal. He told me, "My wife and I have been
drivers licenses. Some of these fathers become sodoing shared parenting from day one... We never
overwhelmed they go into hiding, losing all contactprevent the other from participating in anything to do
with their children. The UI study goes on, "Many childwith the kids. The kids have a stable environment;
support professionals have come to believe thatthey know where they will be every day. They have
charging interest, particularly at high rates, isthe love of two parents, and intimate time with both.
counterproductive and does not serve either the childIt is more like 70/70 than 50/50 to the kids, and that
or the government. Charging interest can make theis what counts. Do you have to like your ex-spouse?
payment of child support arrears seemNo, we cannot stand each other, but the kids never
overwhelming" to some low-income, non-custodialknow... The trick is to love your kids, more than you
parents in California "and, possibly, drive them to thehate your spouse. That can't be that hard, just look
underground economy and away from their children."at them... just look at them... They are waiting."
The myth of abusive fathersThe general public overwhelmingly supports shared
Another thing happens to fathers, and to someparenting. As reported on Fathers & Families, ( in
mothers, which I would have never expected to findNovember 2004, 37 districts in Massachusetts had a
in America, a country I thought stood for justice.non-binding ballot question asking if voters supported
With absolutely no notice, no due process of law,it. With 600,000 votes cast, 86 percent said, "Yes." In
judges can, and do, use ex parte orders to removeMichigan recently the Detroit News carried out an
custody of their children from parents. In Fromon-line survey asking the following question, "For
Madness to Mutiny: Why Mothers Are Running fromdivorcing parents, should Michigan courts make equally
the Family Courts-and What Can Be Done about It,shared custodial responsibility of children the
sociologist Amy Neustein and family court expertstandard?" Again, eighty-six percent voted "Yes".
Michael Lesher conclude that "No state should permitFighting for Family Rights
a change of custody from one parent or guardian toOn April 9, 2005, Hillary Clinton said, "I have been
the other on the basis of an ex parte hearing - thatworking for children and families for more then 30
is a hearing of which one parent of guardian does notyears. ...We can do better and we will do better. And
receive notice. At the present time there are states,while we do so we will get back to the idea of
including California, that permit such changes withoutpromoting personal responsibility where it counts,
notification to the other parent."especially towards our children. Of course, the most
Bryan Godfrey, a 32-year-old California father to aprecious responsibility is for one's own children, but I
5-year-old daughter and 12-year-old stepson had thethink we also have a responsibility for all of our
crushing experience of dealing with two ex partechildren."
orders. The first one, which came shortly after hisI believe she's aware of the epidemic of fatherless
wife filed for divorce, granted his wife sole custodychildren. I wonder if she's aware that a kind and
and exclusive use of their home, and the second one,dedicated father, John Murtari, 48, has sent her
five months later, terminated all of his parental rightsnumerous letters asking her to endorse Congressional
until further notice. He said, "I was accused of sexualhearings and eventually the creation of a Family
abuse that was determined to be unfounded by theRights Act, "to recognize and protect the right of our
Police, but the judge still terminated my visitation viachildren to have two parents equally involved in their
an ex parte until further evaluation of a psychologist.lives and the right of parents to raise and nurture
It has been 17 months since I have seen mytheir own children requiring parents be found guilty in
daughter."a criminal court, with jury protection, of being a
I've had many fathers say they were falsely accuseddemonstrated serious threat to their children - before
of domestic violence or child abuse during theirgovernment can interfere in family life."
custody cases. Bryan passed a lie detector test, yetI wonder if she knows that John, who owns A Kids
he still can't see his daughter. When I asked him howRight, ( has been arrested numerous times, and that
he feels about this he said, "I am completelyhe has spent time in jail for his non-violent peaceful
outraged and frustrated that my parental rights haveprotesting below her Syracuse office since April 9,
been terminated without so much as single hearing. I2001 just to have a meeting with her. If Mrs. Clinton
was never charged with anything. I was found guiltymeans what she says, she will meet John and invite
without a trial."him up to her office, not have him prosecuted. There
The opponents to joint physical custody like to pointare people all over the nation with solutions to this
to studies that show an epidemic of false accusationsepidemic, and all she needs to do is listen to them.
of sexual abuse during custody cases does not exist.One of those people is Jamil Jabr. Jamil has been
I've never claimed it does. But the truth of theinvolved in organizing Fathers-4-Justice in the United
matter is you don't need an epidemic to see that isStates. He has been supporting the gender-neutral
does happen, and that it needs to be stopped. Sincecivil rights movement in America that is fighting for
I purchased the book From Madness to Mutiny Amyequality in child custody by building the group as a
Neustein's adult daughter, Sherry Orbach wrote anrecognized non-profit, charitable organization. When I
article for The Jewish Press. On May 27, 2005 sheasked him to explain the fathers movement he said,
wrote, "For eighteen years (I am now 24); I was"In essence, this is a fight for equal rights for
silent as my mother spun lie upon lie about my fatherparents, because when that happens it is irrefutable
and me. The truth, however, is that my father neverthat having fair access to both parents is what's best
sexually abused me, and that reporters and allegedfor children. This is THE civil rights movement of our
victims' advocates who supported my mother chosetime."
to retell her lies without adequately checking theJamil, who lives in Minnesota, has been divorced for 2
facts."years and has one child added, "We need to
Bryan continued, "My daughter is suffering and I amdisempower the corrupt, incompetent system that
powerless to help her. If I do anything aggressive Ihas created a winner takes all high stakes game,
will be perceived as a domestic violence committingwhich turns children into pawns and meal tickets. In
man and confirm her false allegations. If I sit backthe process, it takes money from families that they
and wait for the wheels of 'justice' I'm perceived notwill never see again as it is turned over to the
to care about my daughter. It makes me feelcomponents of the divorce industry, like lawyers."
extremely sad, depressed and angry at all theI was surprised to find myself discussing fathers'
professionals that claim to be 'looking out for theissues at a child's birthday party. This was the last
best interest of the child' when clearly they couldplace I expected the subject to come up. "Oh Teri, I
care less."want to talk to you about two of my friends",
Fathers often tell me once they are caught up in theanother guest said. "Two of my friends can't see
web of family court, false accusations, supervisedtheir children", she said, "The moms have moved
visitations and alienation, they can't get out, notheir kids away and my friends are really upset about
matter how innocent they are, how much proof theyit". She proceeded to tell me about her two male
have, nor how great a parent they are. Because offriends, one with a 4-year-old and the other with a
the "best interest of the child" standard, judges can7-year-old.
do pretty much anything they want, including keepingIn both cases the parents had never married, the
good, fit, loving parents from their children. Jeffreyfathers had been actively involved, and the children
echoed a sentiment I hear often in the Fatherswere moved away against their wishes. Her mother
Movement, "My patriotism, faith in the justicehad moved the 7-year-old almost 500 miles away 4
system, respect for attorneys, judges and the like -years earlier. The father's contact was limited to,
all gone. My belief in the basic fundamentals of my"Every time he sees me and I let him use my cell
country based on our Constitution which was foughtphone. Every weekend." The mother of the
for - evaporated."4-year-old moved him away when he was
Bias in the courts18-months-old and changed all of her contact
From everything I've seen over the last three years,information. The father doesn't know where they
I believe a father starts out with an overwhelmingare. "He's devastated," she said.
disadvantage in family court, just because he's male.Glenn Sacks, a nationally-syndicated radio talk show
Unmarried fathers, fathers to one-third of all thehost, ("His Side with Glenn Sacks"), and newspaper
babies born in our country, are almost always deniedcolumnist told me, "Perhaps never before in our
physical custody of their children. Bill Sharp, 51, ahistory has there been such a widespread injustice
never-married Illinois father to 14-year-old Tasha andand so little attention paid to it." Glenn, who is
15-year-old Willy lost his joint physical custody after41-years-old, a father of two, happily married, (never
his former partner refused to cooperate with thedivorced), and who lives in Los Angeles, added,
courts. Bill told me, "I used to wake up in theFor more information visit these web sites:
morning, look at myself in the bathroom mirror and- A Kids Right,
say, 'What prodigious thing will he do today, this Bill- Children's Rights Council,
Sharp?' It was a quote from some artist; I had read- Feminist4Fathers,
it in 1986, liked it and started using it as my own- Fathers & Families,
morning motivation from that point on. That changed- Noncustodial Moms,
on July 1, 2002. That's the morning I looked into the- Shared Parenting Works,
bathroom mirror and said, 'They took my kids,' andSources:
then broke down."- Divorce Magazine,
Dr. Richard C. Weiss, 57, lives in Alabama with his- 2004 Key Facts About American Children by The
wife and their 4-year-old son. He spent almostChildren's Fund,
$100,000, and fought for over 10 years to try to- For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, by
have joint physical custody of his daughters from aHetherington, Mavis, and Kelly
previous marriage and to keep them from being- National Fatherhood Initiative,
moved away. He is now the noncustodial parent to- 2003 Urban Institutes Examining Child Support
two teenage daughters in Arkansas, whom he hasn'tArrears in CA-Collectibility Study, reports/2003
heard from in 11 months. He said, "This is a nightmare2003-05collectbility.pdf
ever present - a silence like death but worse. Many- From Madness to Mutiny, Why Mothers Are
of us really loving, caring and responsible fathers haveRunning from the Family Courts-and What Can Be
literally been thrown out of the lives of our ownDone about It, by Amy Neustein and Michael Lesher
children by the family courts and vindictive ex- The Jewish Press,
spouses. That, despite gross civil rights injustices, we- The Motherhood Study,
remain a persecuted class and worse, children are- Fatherhood: Research, interventions and policies by
treated like chattel by dysfunctional custodial mothersPeters, Peterson, Steinmetz, & Day.
and the courts with little regard to their needs for