| You see this look? The quivering lip, the flared | | | | won't be other children there. This girl's a great kid, |
| nostrils, the trickle of sweat meandering down my | | | | but how many friends can a young lass like that have |
| cheek? This is fear.I've been invited to a birthday | | | | at the age of two, anyway? I know I didn't have |
| party tomorrow. It's not my birthday, so that's not | | | | any guests at my second birthday party.(Or |
| the scary part.The party is at a friend's house. A | | | | twenty-second. Or thirty-second, for that matter. |
| couple, actually. Nice people. Hardly scary at all.The | | | | Those were not fun parties. That's a lot of donkey |
| party is for their daughter's second birthday.There it | | | | tails for one guy to pin.)Also, I'm not sure what I |
| is. FEAR. Can't you almost hear the spooky Psycho | | | | should get the girl for a birthday present. I don't |
| '*enk! enk! enk!*' music?To be fair, it's not their | | | | remember turning two myself, and have never been |
| daughter that frightens me. Frankly, if anything, she's | | | | a girl, as far as I know. So how can I know what |
| scared of me. I don't know why; we've always | | | | she'd like?For instance, I might buy many of my |
| gotten along well. I never use her forehead during | | | | friends a nice bottle of wine for their birthdays. But |
| pattycakes, and I even gave back her nose, after I | | | | she's so young. Who knows if she's made it past the |
| pretended to steal it. I'm a good Uncle Charlie.(Maybe | | | | whites and into the reds yet? Is she still drinking |
| it's instinctual, somehow. Lots of women are | | | | white zinfandel? Has she settled into merlots? What's |
| frightened of me, so maybe she's just a quick | | | | the right accompaniment for strained carrots, |
| learner. Perhaps she'll even take out a restraining | | | | anyway? It's a disaster.There's always jewelry, I |
| order some day -- just as soon as she learns to sign | | | | guess. Women like jewelry, right? But I've seen this |
| her name.)Actually, her parents tell me it's a 'phase' | | | | girl playing with her toys; she's still in that 'everything |
| the kid's going through. Starting a few months ago, | | | | into the mouth' phase. I might give her a nice |
| she became more aloof towards men, and only | | | | necklace, and next thing you know we're checking |
| seems to warm up to them when they have | | | | her dirty diapers to see if she's passed the pearls she |
| something she needs. They figure she'll grow out of | | | | swallowed.No, I'm just going to play it safe, and do |
| it.(Sure. Right after menopause, if most women I | | | | what I do for most women I buy gifts for -- I'll give |
| know are any indication. But I digress.)The point is -- | | | | her a gift certificate, and she can buy exactly what |
| one two-year-old kid, I'm okay with. But what if she | | | | she wants. I'm not sure where yet -- maybe I'll stop |
| has friends? I'm anticipating a veritable toddler posse, | | | | by Nordstrom's, or Bed, Bath and Beyond on the |
| running and screaming and falling and pulling and | | | | way over there tomorrow. Maybe she's into Victoria's |
| kicking and poking and putting their fingers into | | | | Secret; I don't know. She could buy a thong, and use |
| orifices where they don't belong -- and not always | | | | it for a hammock, maybe. That'd work, right?I don't |
| their own orifices, either! I've read about these | | | | pretend to know the right answers. I'm just hoping |
| things!I don't personally have a lot of experience with | | | | to make it through tomorrow without birthday cake |
| large groups of children -- for basically the same | | | | in my hair, or somebody else's finger up my nose. |
| reasons that I don't have much experience with large | | | | Wish me luck, eh?Charlie Hatton is an overzealous |
| packs of hungry wolves. They're dangerous, they're | | | | blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, |
| shifty, and they often smell a little gamey. Also, they'll | | | | sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size |
| turn on you at a moments' notice and eat you alive. I | | | | of his naughty bits. He writes near-daily and mostly |
| won't even go into the claws and the sharp pointy | | | | randomly at Where the Hell Was I? |
| teeth. Too scary.Of course, for all I know, there | | | | |